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LIMITED EDITION PRINTS
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Seven steps on how to become a Conceptual Artist |
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Written by Tulani iNdlulamithi
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Tuesday, 05 September 2006 |
1. Abandon any existing ideas about art and style (they’re crap anyway!).
2. Dress in very expensive and exclusive casual gear (no popular teen brands and no obvious labeling). Predominantly black dress code always works well. Adding one or two small touches of red or orange can add to the effect. You want to look like a designer anarchist. Hair styling is crucial. For males, Mod-romantic or else a very short precision cut works well (No. 2 cutter). Get 3G and become “Blue Tooth” enabled, preferably on Blueberry, and/or use Apple Mac wireless (minimum 180GB). Wiring and cabling looks very tacky. Never be seen touching Microsoft. Footwear: something that looks like it was designed by a genius Postmodernist engineer for maximum comfort and speed, but avoid rapper footwear styling. (The two can sometimes look vaguely alike.) Basically, you’ve got to look like an enigmatic, solitary, super-intelligent, slightly sinister, and highly disciplined inter-galactic Samurai renegade (like a 21st century version of a late-19th century Dandy).
3. Develop the vocabulary. Reading a few pages of Derrida, Gergen, Foucault, Baudrillard and Rorty will quickly get you up to speed on the language. Once you’ve done that, read any copy of Flash Art published since 1985 and you’ll be able to put all your new words into an art context with ease. Then learn to intersperse your sentences (occasionally) with a few colloquial words like “cool”, “fuck/ing”, “crap”, etc. The secret is to come across very confidently, and even aggressively (only when necessary). Saying it sharply, assertively and confidently is VERY important. Once you’ve perfected your vocabulary and style of delivery, then read a few of the latest issues of Flash Art and memorise the names and work of the very newest young British artists (Japanese artists are also okay). These references will become your cutting edge in any conversation, and will guarantee your informational superiority in virtually all situations. Look slightly disdainfully at people who appear not to know the latest artists - that always gives you an immediate and huge advantage. You’re already looking like a winner!
4. Congratulations! You are now ready to make your first Conceptual artwork! It’s fun, and anybody can do it! Just follow the 3 simple steps below:
5. Look for something that’s interesting. Anything. Printed matter (newspapers, old books, maps, obscure scientific texts, etc) is always a winner, but bricks (old or new) construction blocks, or any variation on the theme of multiple units of construction can also work nicely. Wire, string and linear materials of course, come in infinite varieties (extra fine, heavy-duty, coated, galvanised, oxidised, etc) and are always cool. Maybe you prefer something more tactile and feely, like fresh (or old) entrails, gums, waxes or some kind of indeterminate oozy stuff. But please don’t do latex or bitumen! They’ve been done too often, and people might say something about that. Wax, unless disguised well, is also becoming passé. Non-specific, mass-produced products are always fun too! Textiles, joiners and fasteners, laminated products and containers come in a wide range of materials (natural, polymers, glass, metal, etc.) and can be bought at wholesale prices directly from the manufacturers. Once you’ve got your stuff together (enough to fill a medium-sized room) sit down and decide what idea you get from looking at your collection. The idea that comes up will be known as your “Concept”. It’s always useful to have a few variations on your concept, just in case someone suggests that your first concept is a bit dumb or clichéd. Always good to have some back-up or emergency concepts; like having a good spare tyre in your car, it can prevent inconvenience and embarrassment.
6. Find a clean, clinical-looking room with no view to the outside, and remove all furniture and fixtures. Now, have fun unpacking and arranging your things in the room. Think in the same way that you might whilst doing flower arranging. Bunch some similar things together. Even put some different things alongside each other, maybe. You can work with straight lines or circular arrangements (but you’ll have to measure carefully to be neat and precise!). Be creative! It’s so much fun! You can suspend things from above and maybe some of them will even move when a breeze enters the room. If some, or any parts, of your work look like they’ve been assembled obsessively, that’s a big plus. Always leave some strategic open spaces between parts of your arrangement. You can even make lines and circles on the floor with chalk dust poured through a funnel. Don’t use different bright colours! They make things look less intellectual and therefore less important. It’s best to stick with mostly whites, some greys and a little black here and there. Once you’re done, it helps if you cordon off your work with a neat, minimalist barrier. It makes your stuff look delightfully important. Clean up all the in-between and surrounding spaces, and choose a few clever ambiguous words for your title. Short titles that contain puns and wordplays suggesting “other meanings” are very clever and remind people of Marcel Duchamp. (He was the cleverest Conceptual artist of all time!)
7. Now, you are ready to face the artworld with your new work. When asked to explain your creation, you can simply quote some of the information you learnt under Step 3 and then tell people that there’s no fixed truth or absolute narrative. If they persist, then you should simply repeat this last step (Step 7) aggressively, using the word “fucking” (as an adverb or adjective only) once or twice.
8. Congratulations! You have just become a real Conceptual artist in 7 easy steps! Tell your family and friends! It’s so easy! Anyone and everyone can become a Conceptual artist! Oh what fun! You can even get your domestic worker and garden boy to make indoor and outdoor Conceptual Art! (They can leave out steps 1, 2 and 3.)
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Last Updated ( Monday, 09 April 2007 )
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